Death and Taxes

 

    Its amazing how something that is inevitable and happens to couples every day is never discussed much.  I understand how many people want to avoid talking about loosing the most important person in their lives, but this hit is coming and you need to brace yourself.

       Turns out every one of us has a fatal disease called life and despite all the advances of modern medicine, these bodies of ours mostly don't last past 80 years.  That means that we are all going to die some day and if we are part of a married couple and/or have children that depend on us someone is going to have to handle the aftermath.  Some will have this process drawn out over a long period of time others like me get hit suddenly out of nowhere. 

    Losing a spouse is one of the biggest emotional traumas that happens to a person, but it's as inevitable as the sun setting and rising each day.  So many people don't want to think about it but that is the wrong approach to take with this subject.  It may seem morbid to some, but accepting and planing for what happens after someone you love dies will make the hit slightly less painful (it's still going to hurt plenty).

    The first and most important advice is to hold on to whatever will keep you moving and out of the pit of depression that grief can pull you down into.  For me, my kids still had to be care for and that kept me from drowning in my grief.  Even when I felt like nothing more than looking at her pictures and crying, there would be some issue with the kids that needed attention.  Church, work, school, kids, volunteering, whatever it is that makes you get up, get dressed, and out of your grief bubble, you need to embrace it.

    Secondly is to acknowledge that your brain is not at 100% when dealing with grief.  To the maximum extent possible avoid making any big life changing decisions until you are thinking somewhat clearly.  The common advice is 6 months, but that will vary by each individual.  When Sarah passed, I decided very quickly that we would not be making any big changes till the end of the kids school year.  They needed the stability and familiarity of their neighborhood friends and schools for the first year.

    Everyone is going to want to talk to you about "what happened?"  It was particularly so in my case because of the sudden and unexpected nature of Sarah's passing as well as the media coverage.  It will be painful to retell the story of the worst day of your life, but it also makes you face things and will get easier over time.  Of course, "I don't like to talk about it" is a perfectly acceptable response too.

    Everyone will give you their advice, just smile and say thanks.  Only you know what is going to be best for you and your family.  Find a handful of trusted friends or family whose wisdom and advice you can count on.

 

    There are quite a few hidden pitfalls that surprised me (and many other widows/ers I've spoken too).   Hearing that these experiences are normal and common to everyone who goes through this has helped me deal with them as they hit.

    The one that everyone avoids talking about and surprised me most was "Widow's Fire".  You go from a happy, healthy, married sex life to instantly "no one is ever going to look at me that way again".  That is a big shock to your system.  Your body is used to the physical intimacy and dopamine hits from being with your spouse so it releases hormones craving what was lost.  In this day and age there are a multitude of ways to handle this poorly.  

    The biggest shock is how many friends you will lose through this process.  Everyone will tell you "if there's anything you need, just call" but a few months after the funeral they will all fade away.  The biggest gut-punch will be the people you thought you would be able to count on, but they let you down.  However, you will be surprised by someone who you never thought of who will become your rock.

    The first year is a giant shock to your system and every anniversary is a painful reminder that your partner isn't there with you anymore.  First birthday without them, first Christmas with an empty stocking, first summer vacation on your own, and many more.  Each one is a gut punch that will hurt.

    The second year is the worst for many people.  Everyone assumes that you are doing OK but you are most definitely not OK.  However as long as you keep your focus on the future and keep moving forward you will get through it.  At some point your grief will go into remission.  It will always be with you but your life will go on.