Over the Hill, in Heaven

Today is Sarah's 40th birthday.  

I wonder what it would be like to celebrate this milestone with her if she was still here.  We would have had a big party and lots of her friends and coworkers would have all been around to tease her about not being a kid anymore.

Last year this really snuck up on me and left me depressed for a day, but I was more ready for it this time around. The kids don't keep track of these dates closely enough to notice and I choose to let them go on about their lives as care free as possible.

I'm proud to say that the trees we planted in Sarah's memory are growing so there is a part of her that is still alive in addition to the memories that we hold in our hearts.

Year two

I've read in several books and articles that for those of us who have lost a loved one, the second year is actually the hardest.  Everyone else has moved on with their lives and expect you to have done the same.  However the gaping hole in your heart is still there, and the reality that it will never be filled starts to set in.

At this point I am several month past "year one" and into this difficult year where all the pain is still there but few understand how much I'm hurting inside.  The isolation and busyness of life as a single dad can be overwhelming at times and there isn't really anyone in my life that understands this.

I don't understand why God seems to want me isolated like this.  I never had many close friends growing up and it's nearly impossible to develop any kind of close relationship while being responsible for a small herd of children.  I gave the dating scene a try, but adding rejection on top of grief was just too much for me.

Some days I wish I was the Tin Man