I know that many people take a great deal of time after their loved one's passing before they start dealing with the leftover possessions, but that's not my style. I hate having a cluttered messy house and I started tackling this process not long after the funeral. It actually began on the drive home when Clint called me and asked me what we were going to do with Sarah's stuff. I told him that we would save some special items, store some items that Laura could grow into, give away some things that others can use, and finally we would throw some away. This is exactly what we are doing.
I set aside one bin for sentimental items that I wanted to keep even though they had little practical value. Sarah's lab coat, park ranger hat, caving helmet, and sheepskin coat that I bought her in 99 all went into the keepsake tub. Laura is only 2 sizes away from wearing Sarah's shoes, so those went into a separate tub that she can open in a few years. I set aside any dresses, skirts, or blouses that Laura may want to try on when she gets older. I gave all the jeans, and some other clothes to Goodwill, since I know that no two jeans fit no two women the same. I tossed some things in the trash that even Goodwill won't even take. I'm sure that Laura will choose to pass on most of these items when the time comes, but it just doesn't feel right to toss out everything right now.
I also went through Sarah's sewing table and found a memory quilt that she had started for Laura that was made out of old T shirts. I gave this to Mari to finish for us and will give it to Laura at Christmas time. I also came across a lot of items, photos, and scrapbooks that brought back many memories. I found the slideshow that our parents set up for our wedding, the video of Sarah's skydive, and a few journals that Sarah made entries in.
On one hand, it is refreshing to clean out a lot of the clutter, and also joyful to find the mementos that remind me of our time together, but it is also saddening to see the physical representation of the void that Sarah has left in our lives.
One thing I have had to learn early on is that the train doesn't stop just because of our grief. Bills have to be paid, chores have to be done, and the grass has to be mown. Back to school for the kids came
Our school district started the school year the Tuesday after the funeral which turned out to be a blessing. The activity of getting the kids ready keeps me from dwelling on my grief. "Meet the teacher" night was the same time as the visitation at the funeral home, so the week before during the funeral planning, the school had let us in to meet Clint and Laura's teachers. The school had taken care of ordering the kids school supplies.
I rode bikes with Clint and Laura to the school so that Laura could learn the route. Clint and I had to go get allergy shots on Monday. Lunches had to be packed, and bedtimes had to be returned to normal. All this activity and near normalcy seems to be best for me and the kids.
Laura is entering 5th grade this year and will be attending school with Clint who is starting 6th. Patrick is moving up to 2nd at the same school in our neighborhood. James and Andrew are in the Spanish preschool on Tuesday's and Thursday's. So this is the first year that all the kids are in school at least part time. Tuesday morning, I shuttled all the kids to school and dropped them off, Clint and Laura first, Patrick second, and James and Andrew last.
After we had survived the first day of school Jim and Mari returned to Kansas on Wednesday. At this point I was on my own. A single dad with five kids, how am I going to make it? By taking each day as it comes, by dealing with problems one at a time, by leaning on the support of friends and family, by depending on God's grace. That's how.
At some point this past summer, Clint had told me that almost all 6th graders had cell phones these days. I of course responded that I didn't care what other parents bought their kids, Sarah and I would decide when he was mature enough for a phone. Given the fact that I would be stretched more than I had in the past, I decided to buy Clint and Laura basic phones (which had been top of the line models almost 10 years ago) and programmed in all the important phone numbers of each other, grandparents, and neighbors.
With the first week of school ending and the first weekend by ourselves approaching I wanted to plan something for the kids to have fun. I had driven by the indoor skydiving company a few times on my way to work, and I thought the kids would enjoy it. I signed up the older three kids for their flights,
They had a great time, and our lives were starting to adjust to our new normal.
As relatives and friends began to filter into town, I knew that this would be a very busy 48 hours. I had gotten the house clean, bought a suit, bathed the dog, and finalized all the funeral arrangements. All that was left was to get through it.
All summer, Clint had been asking to go to Main Event for some fun. I thought that the kids needed some chance to run and play before all the sad relatives started arriving. I went by and asked about reserving a "birthday party" package. When the manager heard about our situation, she comped us the deluxe package, including bowling, lazer tag, and the rope course. My in-laws, nieces and nephew came for some mediocre pizza and some fun. Instead of flowers, the staff gave us a sympathy bowling pin, at least it hasn't wilted and dried out over the past few weeks.
That afternoon, I got the older kids dressed and ready for the visitation at the funeral home. Our nanny would stay at home with the little boys, and the older kids would come with me to see all the relatives. Once we arrived, it all got real for Clint. Up to this point he had been able to think of all this as some kind of bad dream. He refused to enter the room where Sarah's casket lay. He later called it the "sad room". Eventually once there was a crowd of people he wandered in and out, but he never got close.
I had set up a slide show for the funeral which was playing, and I brought a bunch of Sarah's scrapbooks for people to look at. I was expecting a large crowd, but I was still amazed how many people were there. Patrick's teachers showed up all in matching school T shirts. I saw friends and relatives that I hadn't seen in over 10 years. After the visitation, I got to quickly visit with a few of my extended family at their hotel before returning home for the evening.
Saturday morning, I got everyone up fed and dressed and out the door. Sure enough, Clint and Patrick got in a fight in the backseat of the truck during the 10 minutes it took to drive to the church. After I broke up that conflict and arrived at the church. Clint was feeling particularly shy, and I showed him to the preschool room where the family would assemble. Patrick walked right into the sanctuary and claimed a seat. Sarah's mom has always had an odd blueish colorization of her face due to her bad heart, but today it was particularly bad, bad enough that the pastor pulled me aside to ask if she was going to be OK.
When we got everyone inside, I had to play double duty of being a bereaved husband, and entertaining a couple of toddlers. James was acting particularly fussy, so I nodded to Allie, our nanny, to have her pull him out of the service. Tom Black spoke about how he would remember Sarah, then Kristyn Ingram spoke about how Sarah had been there for her when they lost Annabelle. I don't know how Kristyn made it though her speech, but she did a wonderful job.
The service closed with another slideshow set to "I will rise" by Chris Tomlin which is one of my favorite songs.
After the service was over, I spent the next hour visiting with all the friends and relatives that I hadn't spoken with the night before. We loaded up all the flowers and cards and returned to the house. I hung up the portrait that we had used at the service. I had asked my extended family to come over for a visit that afternoon at four. I ordered pizza and enjoyed visiting with Steve and Lindsey. After everyone had been here for an hour or so, the fatigue hit me hard and I started nodding off sitting up. Laura disappeared to stay overnight with her BFF Emily.
After everyone had gone home, and the house got quiet, the realization set in that for the rest of my time on Earth, Sarah would only exist in pictures and memories.
