Five years

 Five years since we lost Sarah.  

    That's half a decade of being alone and missing my "better half".   Five sets of birthdays, five Christmases, five summers, five back to schools, and a constant hole in our hearts.  It's been a long time but losing a spouse is a wound that never really heals.   The isolation of being a single parent can be overwhelming at times and even five years later there are days that all I can do is get through till bed time.  

    The little boys don't remember her at all, yet they still have that hole in their lives.  Meanwhile the older kids and I can't forget her and miss her even more so.  A few years back I realized that many of the stories of Sarah would die with me, so I decided to put them down in a permanent record.  I wrote a biography of Sarah as best I could, had it printed and gave copies to family and friends as Christmas gifts.  Each child has a copy saved with a lock of her hair taped into the front cover.

    Having said that, it's been five years and we have done a lot of healing and growing.  We've had five wonderful summer of travel and adventures.  Five wonderful family gatherings at Thanksgiving.  Five healthy growing kids that drive me crazy and make me so proud at the same time.  We all have healed with our grief as much as we possibly can.  Clint is almost a grown man now.  Laura is developing into a wonderful young woman.  Patrick, James & Andrew are growing and becoming their own individual selves.

    They've grown and matured and gotten to experience so many amazing places and experiences.  In the past five years, we've traveled all over the country including 36 states, all three coasts.  We've lost and added pets.  We've bought and sold several vehicles which have carried us on those adventures.  Trailer and a Motorhome for our summer travels.  An airplane of my very own to fly after 25 years of "somedays".  We are a very different family than what moved to Ft Worth from Longview seven years ago.  

    I've gone through many changes and I'm both a very different person, yet the same man I was before we lost Sarah.  I've never lost my faith in God, yet have completely lost my faith in his followers.  The church is absolutely shirking its' responsibility to single parents.  After 40 years of trying to fit in with the church crowd I finally realized that God has that door closed for his reasons.  

    The kids have learned to swim, ride bikes, drive, cook, clean, sew, build, and will hopefully someday fly.  They have shown their strengths and weaknesses as they have matured.  I'm doing my best to guide and teach them, but raising 5 kids (two of whom are autistic) is a three man job that I have to do by myself with no support network to speak of.

    I've had to reenter the dating game and enjoy the highs and many many lows of that mess.  I've had to endure the rejection after rejection on top of grief.  Modern dating involves a lot more time on the internet and a lot more of the phenomena of "ghosting".   Despite all those hurdles,  I've even opened my heart to love again, but realized that just because you love someone, they may not be right for you.  Sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone is to break up with them.

It's been a long but amazing five years.

It's been 4 years since I really applied myself to writing here, but I feel the need to return and start putting my thoughts down on paper.  I doubt anyone really reads these things anymore, particularly my modest effort.  However, I'm going to try to keep adding to this in the future.