"You're such a great dad!!!!"

    If there is a single phrase that pisses me off more than any other its this one, "You're such a great dad!"

    I always replay "Thank you" but really I am thinking "How the hell would you know?  You don't know me or my kids, much less have spent enough time with them to know if I'm a good dad or not."  Telling me "you're a good dad" implies that you have seen my effort to parent my kids and judged the results to be at least above average.  It also implies that you have a close relationship with me and my kids and seen what we look like when things are messy and falling apart.  A true judgment of my character requires you to see me when I fall down on my ass (which happens a lot more than I'd like).   People who know me and are invested enough to point out my failures are virtually non-existent.

    Outside of a handful of close family most of the people on social media and casual acquaintances couldn't even name all my kids.  I think the list of people who really know my kids is less than can be counted on two hands, and all the rest are just saying meaningless platitudes or are reacting to the social media highlight reel of our vacations.  I'm proud of the adventures that are documented on Facebook, but that's not why I plan them.  I would prefer that we could share some of these travels with family or friends in person.

    The simple facts are that my family is surviving, not thriving.  A single dad with 5 kids (2 that are autistic) has an uphill battle under the best of circumstances but trying to do this job with no support network from family, friends, or church is one man doing a three man job.  The church is absolutely worthless to single parents, and modern day extended family is even worse.  I think my kids have only met  one set of their cousins once or twice in their entire lives.  The church used to supply a surrogate family that could fill in, but today's church didn't even notice when we stopped coming.

    Every family has their struggles but mine are compounded by the social isolation of only having a single dad.  Then that issue is multiplied by my spiritual gift of social invisibility which has regrettably been passed on to my kids.  I'm currently preparing for my 9 year old's birthday don't think I can take another party with no guests.  My 13 year old struggles with autism just bad enough to make him socially awkward, but he understands enough to know what he is missing.  When my daughter pours her heart out to me about not being able to make friends at school, I don't have anything to say other than "get used to it" (which I obviously don't say).  If the primary job of a parent is to get our kids ready for independence then I am failing.  

    Sarah would have been a lot better at this. She would have been able to give the kids the attention and guidance they need.  She would have been able to maintain the adult relationships that would give the kids the network of friends they need.

    I guess I should give myself some credit where it's due.  I have seen plenty of stories of single parents who crawled into a bottle and neglected their kids.  I've managed to clear that low bar.  However that would be like saying I was a hero just because I served my full USMC enlistment during peacetime.  It means that I have done just enough to keep CPS from taking my kids away.

    If any of these people really cared about me or my kids they would pick up the phone and call.  If they wanted my kids to thrive they would be reaching out to help them.  Jesus said "If you love me, feed my sheep" and my sheep need all the help they can get.  

Instead of being an encouragement, "you're a great dad" is actually a slap in my face because I know better.  I'm mediocre at best and hearing meaningless platitudes from people who can't be bothered to reach out and actually help just pisses me off.

I would like to specially mention the handful of people who really have stepped up to help my kids.  Our old neighbors who have been my first call for the past 5 years, the ladies in my life who reached out to my daughter, and my brother and sister in law who have invited and hosted us often.  You guys have been a rock that I could lean on when I really needed someone.